Saturday 7 October 2017

Stopping for anxiety

Yesterday morning I was feeling great - I was chatting to a friend online and saying how good I was feeling, and it was true. So I was very surprised a few hours later to discover that I was feeling incredibly anxious and definitely not so good anymore.

Because it was a surprise, so sudden, and without an obvious cause, I spent way too many hours trying to ignore it, pretend it wasn't happening, just get on with my happy day as I'd planned to. Which I know (usually in hindsight) is one of the worst ways to manage my anxiety. The more I push it down the more it bubbles up and can lead to me exploding or collapsing (or both).

Eventually, after I had dithered around and not got very much of anything done for a good chunk of the day, I went with it. I went into Yarra Glen for a while on my own (op shop, library, IGA - very relaxing), came home and watched a movie with the kids (Sing - they'd seen it, I hadn't, and I quite enjoyed it) then played a game of Korners (which I'd never heard of but had picked up at the Op Shop 2 hours beforehand) with all 3 kids - it was fun, easy to play but difficult to win, and resulted in lots of hilarity (which did have a slightly hysterical edge to it but it was a good release). After all that I was able to tidy up the kitchen a bit and then head to bed.

When I get stuck in my anxiety, I'm really best to take a few hours off and do stuff that I really love or that really relaxes me. If I don't, I feel like I SHOULD be doing other things - dishes, tidying, emails, whatever - but I can't quite get my head around doing them.  I start, and stop, and take ages, or stand around trying to decide what to do next, and all the time feeling guilty that I'm not doing what I should be, or resentful that I'm doing something that I don't want to be doing, and it makes my anxiety much much worse. Soon I'm listening to a voice in my head telling me how bad it is that I can't even manage my housework blah blah blah. The fear (and the voice feeds this) is that if I take a day off my 'responsibilities' then they might never get done.

But the opposite is true. I nearly always find that if I take an afternoon, a day, a few days off when I am getting anxious, and when I feel that antsy feeling of 'I should do.... but I really don't want to', then the next day (or even later that day) I do feel like doing all those things, I do them joyfully and easily and much better than I would have done them when I didn't want to.

I figured out what brought the anxiety on - a combination of little things really. I've been going to bed later than I'd like this week, so waking up later, and Amelie has been up before me a few days in a row - so no time alone first thing and I really treasure that time to reconnect with myself for the day. I didn't go for my walk - I know it's important, but sometimes getting the dog ready to go with me makes it feel to hard and I skip it - and I usually feel flatter or more anxious all day. Tony and a workmate had an awkward conversation about the puppy and I was worrying about that. I posted a few things on Facebook that I'd been putting off (sharing information, and organising an event) and putting myself out there like that had me anxious about responses. And I've had a lot going on in the last few weeks with Caitlin's birthday, her party, and a few other personal issues happening. Yesterday was the first day in over a week where I could just relax, and instead I saw it as a day to 'get lots of things done' - I forget that I often need the relax day first before I get up and get busy the next day.

And it's worked. I've woken up this morning, taken the puppy for a walk which was fantastic, had 2 awkward conversations that I've been putting off for ages (including sorting out the dog issue with Tony's workmate), I've done some gardening and some tidying up outside, and I really do feel fantastic and ready to get on with things today. And hopefully I'll remember that if that changes, if I feel like it's too much, that I can stop for a while again today (there's not a limit to how often I can do that, I don't need to ration out my self-care) and play with the kids or read my book or whatever, and it doesn't mean that I'm less worthy.

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